New Realities of Motherhood

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

My Baby Bird Took Flight

I found the nest photo on the Internet. I saved it for the post I would write when I returned home. This is how it feels now.....

I am still missing- I am sure once the change settles in it will feel new and exciting to not have to complain about messy bedroom and bath and leaving lights on. But right now I miss the communication. I never realized how nagging fills time and quiet!

As soon as I came home yesterday (after greeting the boys...) I cleaned her room...... dusted, vacuumed, and removed socks from under the bed. I respected her space but I wanted it clean for those moments I would walk though and reminisce. I always kept the door closed because the boys would eat anything that was not nailed down (especially socks which is why  I was so anxious to rid the carpet of them). However, when I got ready for bed I really missed her.... so I put a nightlight in her room and shut the door.... the light under the door made me feel like she was home.

So how was the move? Emotional!! Its stressful because you are trying to shop for supplies and she is ranting about not wanting to 'do this'. You have to half block it out and focus and half encourage. You shop, you guide, you laugh, you make yourself very text accessible for the first night. (The texting was for me.... I still needed some connection.)

The "this"  she doesn't want to do -means going to college. "This" later translates to... "I am afraid to be left here, this is all different than what I am used to, I am pretty sure I don't like this, I have to do all of this myself, and seriously they don't even give you the toilet paper?"

We are now both alone.

The remarkable irony of this event is she is experiencing the reality of being alone in a dorm with 3 other girls on a campus 18 hours from home. She is on the road to adulthood. Alone for her means 'without my mom'.

I am experiencing the loss of the daughter I  have nurtured as an only child for 18 years and come home to her empty room. My mommyhood has a limited purpose now. My Labs are good companions, but 'without the verbal communication'- I still feel alone.

Many tears while we parted- many guarantees the 'newness' would feel better- she would have to reach out to meet people, a bit of uncomfortable waters for her. Constant reminders that she can do this.

Those same words are echoing in my head. I hope I heed them too.

I might leave a nightlight on a few more nights..... 18 years was a long time.

P.S. I called her tonight - 'things are getting better' she said. Is she eating? (OK, so I can't give up the job overnight!) Yes and she sounded happy. My heart felt better.

1 comment:

annacat59 said...

Lora, I love your post. What a great outlet for your emotions, and generous to share with other who are going through the same journey! Remember that you will always be her mom...even though the day-to-day is different. She will thrive and grow upon the foundation you've given her!